


I Don't Think We're In Mystic Falls Anymore...

by NewtonsApple



Category: Alice In Wonderland - Lewis Carroll, The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: F/M, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff and Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-22 03:17:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10688664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NewtonsApple/pseuds/NewtonsApple
Summary: On the way to Caroline's Christmas party, Damon and Ric pass through a magic gateway into Wonderland. They meet multiple characters - including Mr Tumnus from Narnia - and take the world by storm. They also discover sweet feelings for each other. This is a work in progress. I don't know where it's going, there's little to no plot... it's just fluffy crack at its best.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when authors go insane. I have no one to blame but myself but hopefully you guys will see past the insanity and have a laugh or two. Comments and feedback encouraged and welcomed!

A small white rabbit appeared at the edge of the grove. It checked its pocket watch exclaiming with annoyance, "I'm fucking late! The queen'll have my head for this!"

Damon rubbed his eyes and blinked. "I must've hit my head harder than I thought. I just saw a rabbit wearing tweed pants and suspenders run into that bush!"

"What bush?" Ric asked. "And how do you even know what tweed looks like?"

"I was born in 1839, you have no idea the atrocities that passed for fashion in my time. And what about that rabbit? As far as I know they don't wear clothes, plus, I'm pretty sure it spoke."

"What did it say?"

"Something about being late."

Ric checked his watch and glared. "I told you to ask for directions. Caroline will kill us if we're late to her Christmas party."

"Damon Salvatore _never_ asks for directions."

"I don't think we're in Mystic Falls anymore," Ric said. A frond of green ivy wrapped around his chest and squeezed the air out of his lungs.  "Where are we?"

"No shit Sherlock. Also, a gate just appeared out of nowhere. Right behind you, don't lean back--"

Ric disappeared and a flare of panic struck Damon’s heart. Where did he go?

Trumpets sounded and a short fat woman on horseback screeched to a halt beside Damon. "Who are you, and what is your purpose in Wonderland?" 

"Uh..."

She smacked Damon upside the head with her golden sceptre. "I asked you a question! Do you have any idea who I am?!"

"Uh..."

"I am the Queen of Hearts! Unless you want to lose your head, you will tell me what you're doing here! Guards!"

 

                                            *******************************

Ric whimpered, the ivy was getting a little  _too_  friendly. Three long strands of it looped around his neck, arms and legs, he couldn't move. Where was Damon? He needed help!

"Psst! Over here!"

"W-Who's that?"

"Ssh! Do you want to bring the queen over here? Look to your left! No, your other left!"

Ric looked to the right and saw a pretty blonde girl wearing a blue dress and white apron. She advanced, looming over him waving a sharp butcher knife. 

She cut the ivy from around his neck and he blinked up at her. "Who are you?"

"Alice of course. You're pretty, can I kiss you?"

Neck now free, he ripped the ivy from his arms. "Uh, I don't even know you..." Where was Damon?

"I told you, I'm Alice. And you are?"

"Freaking out right now..."

"You have lovely lips, all plump and just begging for kisses!"

He took a deep, shuddering breath and yelled, "Damon!" 

Alice clapped a hand over his mouth and glared. "Idiot! I told you not to yell! What's wrong with you?"

"I need to find my friend, assuming the queen hasn't chopped his head off yet." 

Alice waved a dismissive hand. "Pfft! She's all bluster. Still, he probably is flat on his back right now. She's got a thing for brunettes. The king, well, he's old, you know how it is... Can I kiss you now? It's been years since I kissed someone as pretty as you. Pretty please?"

"Guys aren't pretty; they're handsome or good looking."

Alice's blue eyes shone with lust. "But you  _are_  pretty. You look just like Prince Valium, before he fell in love with that llama. He married her you know."

"The llama?"

Giving up on permission, Alice darted out a small pink tongue and licked Ric's bottom lip. "You even taste as sweet as you look."

Ric's heartbeat skyrocketed; he hoped Damon would hear it and rescue him. Alice was pretty but she wasn't his type. 

She sighed and stood up. "Come on, we need to get out of the open. We don't want the queen's guards finding you. You'd be dead within a week. Besides, I don't like to share." She slipped her hand in his and tugged him towards a sunlit grove. "My place is just over that hill; try not to make too much noise, okay?"

A ring of toadstools appeared in front of them. "Oh crap, just what we need," Alice said, rolling her eyes. "Don't give them the time of day. We need to keep moving."

"The toadstools?" Was Alice off her meds? Why would he talk to fungi?

"The fairies silly, can't you see them? There's one on your shoulder right now."

He felt the pinch of tiny fingers tickling his neck. He couldn't see the fairy, what was it doing?

"Aw, she likes you! Fairies are notorious flirts, give them an inch and they'll take a mile. Great at blow jobs by the way, they work in teams."

"B-Blow jobs?" 

"Yeah, you do know what those are, don't you? Would you like me to show you?" Alice waggled her eyebrows. "If your lips taste sweet, I bet I know what your dick would taste like. Spun sugar? Candyfloss? Merlin's Beard! Now I'm horny."

Taking off at a sprint she dragged Ric towards a tiny cottage. It looked like something out of a storybook with its thatched roof and tiny windows. The second Ric walked through the door, all his clothes disappeared. He yelped and covered himself with his hands. "What just happened?"

"You're in my house now. It's a rule." She pushed him down on a big double bed and smothered his body with hers. "Mmm, so sexy. Who's a big boy? Is that all for me?"

"Stop. I don't want to."

Alice stroked a soft, delicate hand up the inside of his thigh. "Part of you does, look..."

Ric blushed. "It has a mind of its own. I'm sorry Alice but you're not my type."

She threw her hands up in disgust. "Just my luck. Find a dreamy boy in the forest only to find out he's gay..."

"I'm not gay."

"So it's just me?" Alice's lip trembled. "You think I'm ugly don't you?"

"I'm just not in the habit of jumping into bed with the first girl I see. I don't even know you."

"Life's too short to worry about things like that. Besides, this is Wonderland! Do you have a girlfriend?"

Ric buried his face in the pillow and sighed. "I did but she died."

"What was her name?"

"Jenna. A vampire killed her in a sacrifice."

"Aw, poor baby, let Alice make it all better." She stroked his spine with gossamer silk fingers. "You need loving."

It felt nice; it'd been far too long since someone had been tender with him. Maybe he should--?

Thundering hoof beats stopped outside the cottage door. "Make way for the queen!" 

"Shit, shit, shit! I need to hide you, get in the wardrobe!" 

She wrapped a blanket around his shivering body and stuffed him inside a dark cupboard. Thick furry coats rubbed up against his skin and dust tickled his nose. Alice's voice faded and Ric started to panic. What if this crazy queen had hurt Damon?

A thin reedy voice warbled, "Search the wardrobe! He's in there somewhere!"


	2. Chapter 2

In his panic, Ric dropped the blanket. He tried to go back but it was so dark he couldn't see his own hands. Two furry and musky smelling arms grabbed him and tugged him further inside the wardrobe. Cold, grey light blinded him. Another forest? There was no sunshine here, just thick flurries of icy snow. 

"Come here sweet boy, come to Mr Tumnus," the owner of the furry arms said. "Let me offer you tea and cakes and a warm fire. Follow me!"

Ric gaped. It wasn't a man. It was a... no idea. A goat? A llama? It had a man's face with tiny head horns and cloven hooves. He squeezed his eyes shut and hoped that when he opened them, he'd be home. 

The goat man sheltered him with a pink umbrella and led him deeper into the snowy woods. "Almost there. Tea and cookies, music and dancing. Don't worry sweet boy, you're in safe hands. "

He wanted Damon. Hell, he'd even settle for a pissed off Caroline right now. He didn't want this half man, half goat guy to take him  _anywhere_. Wasn't one magical land bad enough? 

"Where are we?" he said, teeth chattering. Since losing the blanket his chest hair had become so stiff with cold he looked like a porcupine. And, oh yeah, he was completely naked...

Mr Tumnus frowned. "Narnia of course. Always winter, never Christmas." He giggled. "Still, if you're a good boy I might give you a present."

Ric's stomach sank. That didn't sound pleasant. "What are you?"

"I'm a faun of course. Don't you know anything? What are they teaching in schools these days?" He tutted and smothered Ric's icy hand with his toasty warm one. "Mind your head, the cave has a low roof. Sit in front of the fire sweet boy."

Ric looked around. Three tiny stockings hung over a blazing fire. As well as a low roof, the cave had a rocky floor and not much else. A bolt of homesickness and fear shot through him, turning his heart to ice. He didn't want to be here. He wanted _Damon_. 

The faun hung a heavy copper kettle above the fire and gave him a self-satisfied smile. "Wait here. I might still have some clothes from Peter hanging around. He was about your size. Make yourself comfortable dear boy." He came back seconds later holding thick woollen pants and a button-up shirt with a starched neck. 

"Was Peter a dwarf?" The pants almost cut him in half. The sweater was okay if he ignored the sleeves ending at his elbows. "Ow."

Mr Tumnus stared. And _drooled_. "You look good enough to eat!"

"What?"

"Let's having something to eat. You must be starving, here." He passed Ric a plate of hot chocolate chip cookies. "I made these fresh this morning. So yummy..."

                                       **********************************

 

The Queen of Hearts banged the sceptre on Damon's head twice more. "I'm still waiting for an answer boy. Are you stupid or just struck dumb by my beauty? How did you get here?"

"I don't know. And where is  _here_  anyway?"

"Wonderland of course." She simpered and dribbled on him. "Did the Queen of Diamonds send you as a gift? She knows how much I love pretty boys with ebony hair and ice blue eyes..."

"Who? Have you seen my friend?"

The queen dismounted and waddled over to him. "Such beautiful eyes and those  _muscles_..." She squeezed his bicep with a meaty fist. "Maybe your friend is at the castle. Let's go and look for him."

As if by magic, a thick golden collar snapped around his neck. The queen giggled. "I can't wait to get you on your back..."

"Excuse me?"

"I said I can't wait until we get back. To the castle." She cleared her throat and a dopey minion dressed like a playing card got Damon his own horse. "There we go my love, can't have you getting tired can we?"

Riding a horse was rather like riding a bike, and Damon couldn't do either. The queen snapped her fingers and the minion planted a gloved hand on his ass. "Let me help you up..."

"I hope my friend _is_  at the castle. We need to find our way home."

Steam blasted from the queen's ears like a teakettle. "Your way? No dear boy, always  _my_  way!" She coughed and then tittered. "I mean, must you leave so soon? You only just arrived."

A hard lump on the horse's saddle was digging into Damon's ass. Every bump in the road, the lump pressed on his prostate. It was kinda nice actually. Where was Ric? Was he safe?

Halfway up a dusty winding path, a young blonde girl ran out in front of Damon's horse. It reared and threw him off. The second his feet touched solid ground, the golden collar disappeared. His horse bolted deep into the forest after its mistress and he panicked, what now?

"Are you Damon?" the blonde asked, brushing mud off her transparent blue dress. "Your friend is in danger."

"Who the hell are you? Where's Ric? In danger how?"

"I'm Alice. I was trying to keep him safe. I took him to my cottage but then the queen's guards came. I shoved him in the wardrobe to keep him safe but--"

"But what?"

She sighed. "I know what's on the other side. I bet you six guineas he's got Ric flat on his back right now..."

"Who has?"

"Mr Tumnus. He's a Narnian faun. A gay faun I might add. Got a thing for pretty boys with big blue eyes and brown hair. He drugs them with cookies and does things to them.  _Naughty_  things!"

Thick black veins appeared under Damon's eyes and he growled. "What?"

"I knew it! I knew you were a vampire. You should kill him, save other boys from Ric's fate."

"Take me there now! We have to save him!"

The thought of some cloven-hoofed devil getting his claws into Ric was too much to bear. Ric was _his_. Not that he knew how Damon felt, this was a recent development. Caroline knew. Okay and Elena. Those two were like amateur sleuths and seemed to pounce on him whenever he had a secret.

"It's just over this hill," Alice said, panting. "We'll be safe now, no guards. I better tell you--"

Too late. Damon barrelled through the door and his clothes disappeared. He arched an eyebrow. "Is this what happened to Ric?"

"Yeah. He wasn't happy about it but what can I do? It's a rule."

"I bet he freaked. I don't mind, I've got a great body, why not make the best of it?"

"You sure have," she said, licking her lips. "Can I kiss you?"

"I need to save Ric first. You can have your wicked little way with me afterwards. Did you kiss him?"

She twisted a lock of hair around her finger and shrugged. "He didn't want to kiss. That's what he said anyway. And he told me I wasn't his type."

Damon nodded. Since Jenna, no one was Ric's type. What he needed was to get laid. He couldn't spend his whole life jerking off in the bathroom. He'd even offered to be Ric's wingman but he always said no.

"I kissed him anyway but that's as far as it went."

He tugged Alice's hair. "Without his permission?"

Eyes shining with excitement she nodded. "I'm a bad girl. You ought to punish me. I have whips and toys in the cupboard!"

"Ric first, whips after. You coming?"

"I'd love to but we better find Ric first."

Damon couldn't help but smirk. This girl was funny, and horny, always a plus in his mind. 

She flung open the wardrobe door and handed him a thick fur coat. "It's freezing in here, put this on."

"How far is it?"

She giggled and took three giant steps. "We're here. This is Narnia. Always winter, never Christmas. Poor things, no wonder they're so grumpy all the time. Still, Mr Tumnus makes his own fun..."

Damon growled. If that bastard faun had hurt Ric, he was going to rip its head off.

                     **************************

Sleepy from too many cookies, Ric dozed by the fire. The faun was stroking his hair and crooning a haunting melody. "Such a sweet, sweet boy," Mr Tumnus crooned. "So beautiful and ripe."

Guitar music swept and dove in his mind before dissolving into slippery nothingness. What time was it? He should get back and find Alice... but he was so _sleepy_. The music soared and goosebumps sprang up on his bare skin. Hang on, bare? Hadn't he been wearing clothes before?"

"Wait," he mumbled. "Wait..."

Nimble fingers skittered across his chest and pinched his nipples. He was super sensitive there; Damon teased him about it all the time. Told him to wear Band-Aids over his nipples. Tweaked them to win an argument...  _Damon_. He had to find Damon.

He couldn't open his eyes. His mouth dried up, leaving behind a taste of sour fear. The faun's fingers danced their way to his stomach. They tickled and pinched, stroked and teased. He whimpered, loudly this time. Where was Damon? He pushed the faun away but five seconds later it was back like a persistent fly. Warm wetness engulfed his dick.

"Stop! I don't want to!" Ric flailed, blindly trying to punch the faun in the face. "Let me go!"

A deep - familiar - voice growled, "Get the hell off him!"

 _Damon_. Damon was here. Damon was going to save him from his horny little captor. He heard growling and ripping and the faun's high pitched screams. 

Flowers wafted up his nose and then delicate arms wrapped around his neck. "You're okay," Alice whispered, kissing his cheek. "You're okay. Damon killed Mr Tumnus. Can you open your eyes?"

His eyes refused to obey his brain. Had the faun glued them shut? "Damon, help me, please!"

"It's the music Damon, turn it off. It's magic, the faun put him into a trance," Alice said. 

Wood smashed, the music stopped and _finally_ he opened his eyes. Damon had slimy blood on his lips and hate blazing in his eyes. 

Ric dropped his gaze from Alice's naked pity and then Damon scooped him up into a rough hug. "You okay buddy? Did he hurt you?"

"Grossed me out but no, didn't hurt me. Guess he didn't have time. Thank god you got here when you did."

Alice shuddered and hugged herself. "You had a lucky escape. He caught a friend of mine last year. I never saw him again." She gathered up Ric's discarded clothes and bundled them into his arms. "Come on sweetie pie, let's get you dressed."

"Sweetie pie huh?" Damon's hot breath tickled his ear. "Are you Alice's sweetie pie?"

"Could’ve been worse.  Two seconds later and I would've been the faun's sweetie pie."

Damon clutched his arm. "Don't even joke about that. Jesus, if we hadn't gotten here in time I--"

"You what?"

He pressed cold lips to Ric's temple. "I don't know."

"I don't want to wear these clothes," Ric said to Alice. "They're itchy and four sizes too small."

"It's just for now. When you leave my place your clothes will reappear." She licked her lips and smiled. "Want me to help you?"

"I know what I'm doing. I've been dressing myself since I was three."

"Pity," she said, biting her lip. "I don't mind..."

Damon ruffled her hair and chuckled. "Hey, don't start with him. He's had a hard day. Besides, you were saying something about whips before. Why so fickle?"

"You're both pretty." Alice's eyes darted between them. "Would it be bad manners to want you both at the same time?"

"Uh, I'm gonna get dressed," Ric said, escaping to the relative safety of the dead faun's bedroom. Dildos, whips and scary latex cowboy chaps leaked out of its wardrobe. His blood ran cold; he'd had a lucky escape. 

"You okay in there Ric?" Damon called out. "Alice is happy to help you!"

The pants wouldn't button. He frowned in the mirror and tugged the sweater down as far as he could. "Okay we can leave now."

Alice giggled behind her hand. "Um, Ric? Those pants don't leave much to the imagination..."

"It's not my fault the owner of these clothes was dwarf-sized. Let's go. Now, before anything else happens!"

Hunched against the icy wind, they shuffled back through the forest to the wardrobe. With Alice leading the way, they spilled out of the darkness into her sunny warm bedroom. 

"Thank god!" She flopped on the bed and pulled up her dress. "I don't want to let you go without fulfilling my promise."

Damon snorted. "Word of advice? You and I can fuck but you have to make love to Ric. He likes things tender, don't you buddy?"

"How'd you even know what he likes?" Alice quirked an eyebrow. "How close are you guys?"

"I'm his best friend. I know him better than he knows himself," Damon declared. "Come here Ric, Alice wants to make you her sweetie pie."

Sweat ran down the back of his neck. "No. I'm going outside."

He didn't _want_ to make love to Alice, especially not in front of Damon. He pictured Jenna's soft red hair blowing in the breeze. He remembered her smile, her soft skin, the way she loved him. Missing her was a bone-deep ache. He was so lonely.  


	3. Chapter 3

The second he stepped outside, his thin blue cotton t-shirt and black jeans reappeared. It was beautiful here, in Alice's tulip-choked garden. Sparrows and something with a fluffy purple crown chirruped in the trees. He peeped through Alice's bedroom window and squeaked. 

Propped up on silky pink pillows, Damon lay alone on the bed stroking his pale hairless chest. Ric's heart thundered, now he knew why girls threw themselves at him. 

Alice hugged him from behind making him jump. "Come with me sweetie pie, please? We both want you to come back."

"Three's a crowd."

"Three is twice the fun," she said with an evil glint in her eye. "I want both of you together. Damon said it'll be fun!"

"Damon wants--?"

"Damon  _wants_  you.  _I_  want you." She grabbed his hand and led him back into her bedroom. She steered him to the bed and pushed him down on his back.

"I heard that you know," Damon whispered. "Your heart."

"Perks of being a vampire," he replied, lip trembling. "Isn't that what you always tell me?"

He snorted. "Among other things. Look what Alice found, fluffy pink handcuffs, cool right?" He trailed them over Ric's nipples. "What's your safe word?"

"Safe word? That doesn't make me feel good..."

"This might," Alice said, bathing his rock hard dick with her tongue. 

He sank into the pillows and groaned. "Fuck!"

"Soon, sweetie pie. Real soon."

Damon captured his wrists in one hand. "Now comes the fun part."

"I don't want to. I'm really not into bondage and discipline."

"Don't you trust me?"

Ric's voice throbbed. "You know I do but--"

"Please? For me?"

He couldn't _think_. Alice's vacuum-like lips were sucking his brain out through his cock. "Aaahh! Oh god, fine. Do what you want. But you better release me when I say."

Damon chuckled before yanking his arms over his head and clipping the cuffs round his wrists. "What's your safe word?"

"Jenna," he said, glaring. 

Damon blinked down at him. "Oh."

Ric concentrated on Alice's bobbing head and left the planet. He hadn't even jerked off since Jenna died, let alone had sex.

Damon growled out a groan and fisted his own cock. "That's so hot."

"Ow! Teeth Alice!" Ric yelped, arching his hips off the bed. 

"Jesus," Damon mumbled. "I thought you said you were good at this? You're hurting him."

She released Ric with a pop and wiped her mouth. "You think you can do better? Be my guest."

"Well now," Damon said, smirking. "That's up to Ric isn't it?"

"This I have to see. Ric, you want Damon to finish what I started?"

"Uh..." The idea of  _Damon's_ lips around his cock made his heart slam against his ribcage. Damon's  _lips_.

"Heard that Ric," the vampire said. "Is that a yes?"

"If you want," he said, going for nonchalance and failing miserably.

"Oh I do want and don't worry, I'll be gentle. Look, no fangs!" Damon hauled him up the bed before settling a pillow behind his head. "Comfortable?"

Alice watched as Damon's lips spread to accommodate Ric's thicker than average dick. That's why she'd scraped him; she wasn't used to sucking cocks as thick as that. Wonderland inhabitants tended to be a little on the thin side. She was right the first time too. Despite Ric telling her he wasn't gay; he seemed a little too excited by his friend giving him a blow job. Maybe they were bisexual? She could only hope. 

Damon sucked him like a lollipop, swirling his tongue around Ric's dick. He poked the tiny slit and Ric groaned, fisting the sheets until his knuckles turned white. How did he not know his best friend had a tongue that talented? All those wasted months... Arching his hips off the bed, he gushed and Damon sucked come like spaghetti.

Alice was fucking two fingers inside her sopping wet hole and moaning. "Watching you two, wow, someone better fuck me soon or I'm gonna explode!"

Damon stroked Ric’s sweaty forehead. "Ric's wiped for now. Come sit on my lap Alice, we'll talk about the first thing that pops up." 

She crawled up the bed, paused to kiss Ric's trembling lips and impaled herself on Damon's cock. He was big too, not quite as thick as his friend, but longer. Thighs shaking with tension, she bobbed up and down and flicked her nipples. 

Ric rolled over onto his side, slipping a finger between Alice's thighs and rubbing her clit. She was so wet it kept sliding off and he could feel the base of Damon's dick where it entered her. 

He was touching Damon's  _dick_... Okay, he was touching Alice too but it was Damon that made his heart race. When had that started? Had he always felt like that? Damon flirted with everyone, girls and guys alike, he flirted with him all the time. A tilt of his head, his trademark smirk, a swallow of whiskey... Flirting, forever flirting. 

Damon's face broke out in a smile; he had the best of both worlds. A hot girl gyrating on his cock and his best friend by his side. He wouldn't even mind if they switched places. He imagined Ric sitting on top of him, head tipped back, eyes squeezed shut... Wow. Balls tightening, Damon grimaced and pumped a stream of come inside Alice. She ground her clit on his stomach and followed suit, screaming as her orgasm hit. 

Ric watched mesmerized, bottom lip clamped firmly between his teeth. He was horny again too, and not for Alice. He wanted Damon to scrape those long fingernails of his over his sensitive nipples. He wanted to watch Damon's spit slicked lips stretch around his cock. He wanted  _Damon_. A bolt of understanding shot through his mind. Oh god, he'd loved Damon since the night they'd met!

Alice climbed off of Damon, off the bed and said she was having a shower. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do..."

Ric couldn't take his eyes off Damon's dick. Still shiny with Alice's juices, it pulsed on his stomach. He grabbed his own dick and fisted it. "Damon, I--"

Damon smothered Ric's mouth with his own. "What Ric? What's wrong? Are you sorry I did what I did?"

"God no, best blow job ever!"

"I have a question for you; would you like to do it again?"

"Hell yeah!"

"I guess I don't have to tell you how I feel about you then, do I?"

"I kinda got that, but tell me anyway."

Damon laughed and stroked Ric's cheek, brushing the stubble against the grain. "I love you Mr Saltzman. I think I have for awhile."

"Me too, I just realised right now. I think it started at the decade dance when we both chaperoned. But then of course, I met Jenna and I squashed the feelings down."

"No more squashing." Damon gazed at Ric from under his eyelashes. "You wanna be my sweetie pie?"

Ric dropped a kiss on the tip of Damon's nose and smiled. "Always."

"Do you think Alice will be jealous?"

"Nah, we just won't tell her. We still have to get home, I'm sure Caroline's losing her mind. Wait til she hears about our adventures!"

"She already knows I love you. Elena too."

Ric's mouth dropped open and his eyes widened. "Excuse me? When?"

"You know what they're like. Elena said she can read me like a book."

"She can't read me. No one can."

"Bullshit, I can read you."

"What am I thinking right now?"

"You want me to suck your cock."

"Good trick. That was too easy."

"How come?"

"I was staring at it. Tell me something else."

"You want tender loving. You hate rough sex."

Ric gulped. "Yeah. Guess that makes me the girl in this relationship huh?"

"We can take turns. C'mon sweetie pie, we should make a move back to Mystic Falls. Let's look for the nearest rabbit hole." Damon knocked on the bathroom door. "We need to leave soon Alice, you gonna be much longer?"

"Can I ask you one favour?"

"Sure Ric, you know I'd do anything for you."

"Never call me sweetie pie in front of our friends."

"I won't. It'll be our little secret. You have the most amazing body Ric; you shouldn't cover it with clothes."

"Sure, I'll just get arrested every day. You can visit me in jail; bring me a cake with a file in it."

Alice emerged from the steamy bathroom, red cheeked and damp. "You weren't going to leave without saying goodbye were you?"

"Course not, that's why I knocked. Any idea how we get home?"

She pursed her lips and thought. "You could ask the caterpillar but he just got a new shipment of weed. No one's seen him for days, just giant smoke rings floating out of the forest. I know! We'll ask the rabbit!"

"Where does he live?"

She checked her watch. "It's tea party time. You'll have to stay and have one otherwise you'll never get any sense out of them. The dormouse especially, he only wakes up when the hatter drops sugar cubes on his head. They're all barmy."

"How can we avoid the queen?" Ric asked. 

"You can take the back roads. She never goes that way. I'll draw you a map if you like."

"Don't you want to come?" Damon asked.

She grimaced. "I already came, remember? Besides, don't you two love birds want to be alone?"

"Love birds?"

"You can't hide it from me. You two are as clear as glass. I will kiss Ric though; I only got a peck before. Can I sweetie pie? One last kiss for the road?"

Ric puckered up his lips. "Go for it."

She dropped to her knees and planted a wet kiss on the tip of his dick. "Mwah!"

"Hey! That's mine!" Damon said with a growl. "I don't like to share!"

Possessive Damon made his heart go all squishy but they had to get on their way. "Hey, hey, hey... actually, it's mine."

Damon squeezed his fingers. "C'mon gorgeous, we better get moving. Bye Alice, thanks for everything!"


	4. Chapter 4

They walked deeper into the shady forest, silent except for the sound of distant birds. 

"How far did she say it was?"

Damon peered at the map. "It's not exactly to scale. Look out for a guy in a big top hat, that's all she said. You know what? I can't wait anymore."

"Wait for what?"

"This." Damon pinned Ric against a tree and planted a kiss on his luscious mouth. "Mmm..."

Heart thumping, Ric melted like an ice cream left in the sun. His friend had the magic touch all right. Damon's hand curled around the back of his neck, playing with the bristly hairs at his nape. 

"Too many clothes sweetie pie, come with me..." 

Flushed and sweaty, Ric followed him to a small canopied grove and lay on the ground. "Now what?"

"Take your pants off."

"Again? Isn't it your turn?"

Damon groaned and swallowed hard. "We could always sixty-eight."

"Huh?"

"I go down on you and you owe me one."

Ric shook with laughter. "How about a sixty-nine?"

Damon unzipped his friend's jeans and yanked them down his quivering thighs. "No time, I just want to taste you..." He sucked the fat dart into his mouth and fisted Ric's shaft. "God, you're so expressive," he mumbled. Damon loved Ric's soft understated moans and more than a few whimpers if he was honest. He tried to be as gentle as possible because Ric deserved love and tenderness.

Ric grunted in passion and spread his knees as wide as the jeans would allow. "I'm gonna come Damon!"

Damon's lips tightened around Ric's cock so he wouldn't waste anything. He slipped a finger down his crack and circled his tight rosebud. Come flooded his mouth and he sucked his friend dry, swirling his tongue to get every last drop. "Better sweetie pie?"

"Gah..." 

"I'll take that as a yes. Better get dressed before a curious bird uses that as a perch..."

"Can't move... You sucked my soul out through my cock..."

Damon couldn't resist. He slid a hand up Ric's shirt and pinched his nipples. "Still sensitive?"

"Ah!"

"I'll take that as a yes." Damon yanked him to his feet and took his time doing up Ric's fly. By the time he finished, his friend was a trembling mess. "Time to go. Can you walk?"

"I feel a bit weak in the knees."

Damon licked his finger and made a line in the air. "You're welcome."

They walked deeper into the woods, the canopy so dense the light couldn't penetrate. Up ahead, Damon saw a table set for twelve and three people sitting around it. 

Ric squinted through the trees. "Is that Alice? She said she wasn't coming..."

"That wasn't quite what she said, I get the feeling she comes a lot."

Ric's face screwed up in confusion and Damon laughed. "You're such an innocent. Let's go ask the hatter guy how we get home."

Alice saw them and clapped with glee. "Hatter, Rabbit, these are the two men I was telling you about. This is Damon, he's a vampire and this is Ric, isn't he pretty?"

The hatter rolled his eyes and blew a raspberry. "There are no such things as vampires Alice, but they're both pretty. Especially the blond, what luscious lips! Would you like to sit on my lap?"

Eyes flaring red, Damon growled and pushed Ric behind him. "No, he wouldn't. We just want to ask you a question."

The rabbit took out his pocket watch and sighed. "Tea's late again. Move down, move down, it's time for tea!"

Alice, the hatter and the rabbit all shuffled down one place at the table. She rolled her eyes and twisted her finger at her temple. "Barmy."

"Sit down, sit down you two, it's time for tea. How do you like it? Sweet and milky?" the hatter said, staring at Ric. "Mmm, milky."

Blushing, Ric sat next to Alice. "I like strong tea, thanks." He frowned. "Is that a dormouse in your teapot?"

"No dear boy, I'm just happy to see you," the hatter said. "Shall I be Mother?" He poured tea in everyone's cups. 

"Glub!" said the dormouse. The hatter had poured scalding hot tea on his head. "Glub, glub..."

Picking the tiny creature up by its tail, Alice dumped it in a spare cup and smiled. "You alright Ric? Don't worry about the hatter, he's all talk. You've got Damon to protect you. Hatter, Damon and Ric need to ask you a question."

"Ah yes, the question. What is it dear boy?"

"We need to find our way home. Can you tell us how to get back to the real world?" Damon said. 

The hatter snorted. "Never your way dear boy, it's always the queen's way."

"Fine," Damon said through gritted teeth. "What's the queen's way home?"

"Move down, move down!" The rabbit interjected. "Tea's getting cold, time to move!"

Everyone shifted down another place and the tea pouring ritual started again. Ric waved a hand in front of the hatter's nose. "Hello? What's the queen's way home?"

The hatter smirked before planting a sloppy kiss on his palm. "The queen's already home. She lives in Wonderland with us!"

Damon growled and thumped the table. "If I don't get an answer to my question, I'm eating everyone here. Including the dormouse!"

The dormouse squeaked in terror, falling out of the teacup and onto Damon's lap. It clambered up his shirt and chattered in his ear, "We can't help, there's no way home. Why'd you think Alice is still here after all these years?"

Damon's blood ran cold. "No way home? At all? Ever?"

The hatter waggled his eyebrows. "You can live with me Ric, I've always wanted a permanent house guest. You don't mind the fact I have just the one bed? It's cosy in winter..."  

The rabbit shoved his paw into his mouth and chewed his claws. "Your only option is... the narrator..." He shuddered and hid his face in the hatter's loud green coat. 

"Who the hell is the narrator?" Damon demanded. 

A resounding chorus of shushes came from Alice and the rabbit. The hatter just gibbered and drooled and stared at Ric. 

"You never talk about the narrator, she's dangerous! You piss her off and the entire world turns to shit!" Alice said. "Hatter, remember Bobby Green? He said the narrator was make-believe and then--"

"What?" demanded Ric. "What happened to him?"

"He burst into flames, right in front of us. One minute he was there, the next pfft!"

"Ash," the hatter agreed. "Poor Bobby Green. He wanted to know where babies come from, that was his only crime..."

"Stupid boy," said Alice. "Everyone knows babies come from storks. What an idiot."

Ric opened his mouth and Damon pinched his thigh. "Shut up Ric, I don't want you bursting into flames. So how do we find this narrator? We need to get home, we don't belong here."

"Nor do I," sighed Alice. "I bet my mother and Dinah have forgotten all about me. It's been years since I fell down the rabbit hole."

The rabbit hopped up and down next to Alice's chair. "You haven't forgotten our appointment have you? Only we're running late..."

"See you guys tomorrow, you know how insatiable rabbits are, it's in their nature. If you boys get stuck here, come to my place. I'm sure Ric would rather sleep in my bed than the hatter's... right sweetie pie?"

"Yup. See you later Alice." Turning back to Damon he said, "So how do we get this narrator's attention? Without pissing her off I mean?"

 


	5. Chapter 5

"The Queen of Hearts. She's the only person who's ever spoken to the narrator and lived to tell the tale," the Hatter said.

Damon rubbed his temples. "Fantastic. Which way to the castle?"

"Just follow the screams. You'll be there in no time."

Bright white tombstone-shaped teeth appeared on a low hanging tree branch above them. 

Ric flinched. "What the hell is that?"

Alice looked up and waved. "That's the Cheshire cat. He pops up whenever he feels like it. He's barmy too, we're used to it." 

Two large golden eyes blinked open. "Well now, who's this pretty pair? Did I hear tell of them going to see the queen? She'll have them flat on their back and screaming before it's time for dinner."

The Hatter waggled his eyebrows. "They want to speak to the narrator..."

"Why?"

"They want to find their way home. They don't belong here."

The Cheshire cat licked its whiskers and meowed. "Their way? Didn't you tell them every way is the queen's way?"

"They'll need guides," said the Hatter. "Any idea where Tweedledee and Tweedledum are?"

"Pleasuring each other probably, isn't it Tuesday? Or is it Friday? All days run together here. Do I even exist? Sardines for tea tonight..." the cat's voice faded followed by his eyes and lastly his teeth.

"Aren't they brothers?" Ric stammered. "Twins even?"

The Hatter nodded. "They can't help it, they're a bit barmy. Happens to the best of us."

Damon rolled his eyes. "I'm noticing a pattern here. Isn't everyone crazy? We need to get moving, which direction do we take?"

The Hatter grinned like a loon. "Just pick one direction and stick to it."

"Where we come from, everyone hates One Direction."

"Quite," the Hatter said, squinting at him. "Well I'll see you two later. If you survive. Don't forget my offer Ric. You snuggled up in bed with me, I don't wear a nightshirt either, it's a rule."

Ric slipped his hand in Damon's icy one. "Um, thanks?"

They walked deeper into the woods and crossed a stream with frogs on the bridge. Wildflowers sang to them and called out, warning them to stay away from the castle. 

"You know Ric; you're too nice for your own good. I would've told that Hatter guy to shove it. Wonder what he meant about screaming at the castle?"

Ric frowned. "Am I wearing an invisible sign on my head that says, 'bang me?' Why does everyone want to get in my pants in Wonderland?"

"Because you're fucking gorgeous? Besides it's not just here.  _I_  want to get into your pants..."

"And you have, twice if I recall."

Damon slammed him against a moss covered wall and pinned his arms over his head. "Wanna go for number three?" 

A bloodcurdling shriek echoed around the forest, followed by a terrifying growl. 

The hair on the back of Ric's neck stood on end. "What the fuck was that?"

"Nothing good." Damon sighed and released him. "Is that a no to the blowjob?"

"Shouldn't we investigate that scream?"

Damon mauled his soft red lips until Ric was throbbing in his jeans. "I'd rather investigate your cock but hey... If you wanna go charging off into danger, who am I to stop you?"

Giving his friend one final kiss, Ric marched ahead and found a wrought iron gate set into the wall. He pushed it open and cringed. The creak sounded deafening in the relative silence of the forest. "Jesus, I hope no one heard that."

As soon as Damon's foot cleared the threshold, the golden collar reappeared around his neck. "Dammit!"

"What the hell's that?" Ric tried to tug it off but the more he pulled, the tighter the collar got. "Thank god you don't need to breathe."

As if by magic, a small brown hare jumped out of the bushes and latched a silver lead on his collar. "The queen's waiting for you. Come with me, leave him here," it said, eyes flicking to Ric. "She only wants you."

Damon vamped out. "Where I go, he goes."

"Fine but hop to it. She hates it when people keep her waiting." The hare hopped through an arched doorway. 

The queen's strident tones echoed around the drafty ballroom.  "Where are my tarts? Someone's stolen my tarts!"

A row of pretty blonde girls came forward and one of them sighed. "No my queen, we're still here."

"Excellent! The king wants his dick sucked. You, Esmeralda, on your knees girl." 

The girl grimaced but did as the queen commanded. The king, barely a foot tall, squeaked with excitement. "It's my birthday! Suck my dick! What pretty pink lips you have my dear. Come closer..." He frowned. "Closer than that, I'm not that big." Raising his furred cape, the king pulled down silky blue underpants.

Esmeralda wrinkled her nose and sighed. "Anyone got a magnifying glass?"

"Naughty, naughty," the king said in his squeaky voice. "It's not that bloody small. Suck me my dear, suck hard."

The hare yanked Damon's leash. "He's here my liege, the boy you requested. He's all prepared for you."

The queen shivered, sending rolls of fat quivering through her regal red robes. "Oh lovely, my special boy. You escaped before you naughty little thing. Come here to me. Who's this?" 

"This is Ric. He's mine so don't get any ideas."

The queen made a moue with her lips. "You're gay? What a waste. Still, I don't mind. I'm eclectic-sexual myself. I can see why you like him, pretty isn't he? Not as beautiful as you though dear boy."

"There you go Ric," Damon whispered. "We found one person in this bizarre land who doesn't want to get into your pants."

"Guard!" the queen bellowed. "Take the other one to the Jabberwocky!"

One of the queen's playing card minions yanked Ric away from him. "Yes your highness, right away sir!"

Damon kicked the card in the ace-hole. "Hands off! Where I go, he goes!"

"Don't worry my queen!" Another minion scampered over with a bunch of garlic and a diamond encrusted hand mirror. "I've got it in hand!"

"You realise garlic and mirrors are a myth right?" Damon said, snorting. "Those things won't hurt me." The golden collar cut into his throat. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Stop!"

The queen waddled off her throne and scooped up the end of Damon's leash. "Let's have no more of this funny business. The sooner you do what I tell you, the sooner you can leave. Tart!"

"Yes my queen?" A pretty girl with red curly hair stepped forward. "What do you need?"

"Take the other one to the Jabberwocky enclosure. Keep him company until we return."

The girl squeezed Ric's fingers. "Don't worry dear heart; I won't let anyone hurt you."

Tears glimmered in his eyes. She reminded him of Jenna with her soft red hair and kind smile. "But Damon?"

"He's a vampire isn't he? I saw his eyes glow red before. He can take care of himself I'm sure."

Heart stuttering in his chest, Damon reached out for him. "R-Ric!"

"You're okay baby boy, let me take care of you," the queen simpered in his ear. "I promise not to let the Jabberwocky eat him. I have a present for you." She led him down a dark hall and into a vanilla-scented chamber. Flopping on the four-posted bed, she raised her voluminous skirts above her knees. "Finally, we're alone. Come here my love."

The queen's legs looked like hairy tree trunks. Didn't she ever shave?

"Lick my pussy," she commanded. "I bet you have a talented tongue."

"No complaints so far," he said. He knelt between her open thighs and gagged. "You smell like rotten fish."

"Sorry." She blushed and fanned her cheeks with her ruff. "Fucked a sea bass this morning." She yanked her knickers to one side and jammed his head against her cunt. "Ah... That's the ticket. A little to the left my sweet."

Wishing for a snorkel and breathing through his mouth, Damon licked her stinky flesh. He suckled her clit and pretended he was sucking Ric's knob. 

The queen bucked her hips off the bed. "Wonderful! Oh yes, keep going! Stop!"

"Stop or keep going?" Damon asked, wiping slime from his mouth. "Even your instructions sound crazy."

"Take your clothes off dear boy; I want to see that hot sexy body in action!"

He yanked his t-shirt over his head and unbuckled his belt. "As you wish."

The queen stared at him bug-eyed, diddling her own clit. "Merlin's Beard! You're gorgeous! And those _muscles_... I love them. Your nipples remind me of cherries, ripe and sweet and begging me to bite them!"

He kicked his skin-tight jeans next to a chamber pot and smirked. "I'll make you a deal. I'll fuck you until you scream and you tell me all about the narrator, okay?"

"The narrator?" The queen's upper lip trembled, making her hairy mole dance on her chin. "What do you want to know about her for?"

"We need to find ou--  _your_ way home. The narrator is the only one who can help."

"Fine. I will. But _after_ you make me come. I'm so wet, I need you inside me. Bring that gorgeous cock over here and fuck me hard!"

Damon closed his eyes and tried to pump some life into it. He pictured Ric's hard hairy body and thick cock and bit his lip. His friend was beautiful; no wonder everyone wanted to fuck him.

"Who's a big boy? It looks like a baby's arm carrying an apple. I can't wait to wrap my lips around it. Come and stand in front of me," the queen commanded. She widened her lips to accommodate his girth and moaned. This was what she needed, what she craved. The king was okay as a person but his tiny pencil dick never satisfied her. It was like fucking a grass snake. A dead one. Gripping Damon's hips, she sucked him with wild abandon. He tasted like whiskey and musk. If she bled him, she could bottle that. Where had she put her bloodletting tools?

Damon's butt muscles clenched as the queen's hot wet tongue swirled around his tip. She might be ugly but she sucked like a vortex. Everyone had some redeeming feature, perhaps this was hers?

"Okay, now sweet boy, fuck me, fuck me now!" She tugged him on top of her and wrapped thick thighs around his waist. The feeling of his long cock sliding into her wet channel was so delicious she thought she might pass out. 

In Damon's mind, he was fucking Ric. He slid his cock deep into his friend's virgin ass, making him scream. He didn't want to hurt Ric, he loved him but first times had a tendency to hurt like a bitch.

"Oh! Oh Merlin, I'm coming!" The queen quivered and pulsed around his cock, squeezing it in a vice grip. "Oh thank you sweet boy!" She panted and patted her ample chest. "Want to go again?"

"No," he said, wiping his slimy cock with the sheet. "I want you to tell me about the narrator. Who is she and how do I get in contact with her?"

The queen humped the pillow and jerked a finger at the ceiling. "She'll find you. She's always watching, always listening."

"What does she want?"

"She's the all-knowing narrator, the creator of tales. It's not our place to ask. She controls Wonderland and all its inhabitants. We don't want to annoy her."

Damon got dressed and rolled his eyes. "I'm going to find Ric."

 

                ***********************************


	6. Chapter 6

The narrator took a sip of caramel flavoured coffee and sighed. She wasn't sure how the story would end but she did have a few apologies to make. Starting with Ric. She snapped her fingers and the hunter materialized by the bookshelf.

"Where am I?" he said, gazing around in wonder. It looked like a cross between a school room and a library. A young woman with red hair sat at a large mahogany desk, fingers clamped around a steaming cup.

"Hello Ric," she said, smiling. "Sorry to call you here like this but I wanted to apologise."

"For?"

"Making you a little wimpy in my stories for one. I know you're a hunter who can take out a vampire at ten paces but--"

"Five."

"Don't interrupt," she said, glaring at him with wide blue eyes. She opened a slim silver case, lit a cigarette and blew a plume of thick grey smoke at him.

He coughed and waved a hand in front of his nose. "Do you have to do that now?"

"Look Ric, just because I owe you an apology doesn't mean you can barge in here and tell me what to do. I tell  _you_  what to do, that's the whole point."

"I didn't  _barge_  in," he said, making air quotes. "You magicked me here. How do we get back to Mystic Falls? Caroline must be going insane right now."

"Time moves slower here, if you make it back you'll be right on time."

"If? If we make it back? So what, you're going to make me jump through hoops?"

"I'd love to," she said with a devilish grin. "But time is of the essence. Let's get down to the nitty-gritty. Damon loves you, do you love him? Also, another apology for the sweetie pie thing... It's not a Damon-like thing to say, is it?"

He wrinkled his nose. "No, it's not. I wondered where that came from. Question, why am I so wimpy in your stories?"

"Because you're gorgeous? Let's not forget hurt and damaged, that's got to come out somewhere."

"Nice.  _I'm_  damaged? You're the one writing stories where twin brothers pleasure each other for kicks..."

"I'm insane, there's a difference. How would you like your story to end Ric? Tell me that and I'll send you back to Damon."

"I want to go home, back to Mystic Falls and I want Damon by my side when I do. Are you just playing with me or do Damon and I actually have feelings for each other?"

The narrator snorted. "Hello? You were exchanging meaningful glances over drinks long before I came on the scene."

Ric screwed up his face. "Okay fine. So what do I have to do to get home?"

The narrator steepled her fingers and grinned. "Tab A has to fit inside slot B."

"Excuse me?"

"Damon has to pop your cherry! Wouldn't you like that?"

Ric squirmed in his chair. "You obviously have no idea how big Damon's dick is. It'd be like sitting on a traffic cone."

"He's smaller than you and besides, that's why God invented lube."

"You know how big my dick is?"

"Course I do. I'm the narrator, I know all. You're a perfect six inches."

"Seven."

"You're too sweet to lie Ric." She licked her lips and stared. "Want to prove it to me?"

"No?"

"I rest my case."

"Fine. So I let Damon fuck me with his love truncheon and then we get to go home? Is that what you're saying?"

"Absolutely."

"Well that sounds easy enough."

"Oh and one more thing..."

"You sound like Columbo. What is that one last thing?"

"You won't remember a bloody thing when you get back. Have fun!"

"Excu--"

"Goodbye Ric." The narrator snapped her fingers and he disappeared in a puff of blue smoke. "Such a sweet boy..." 


	7. Chapter 7

Damon kicked Alice's front door in frustration. She wasn't home and he couldn't find Ric. He'd even gone to the Jabberwocky enclosure but it was completely empty. 

A panicked scream and an almighty thump in the woods made him jump. He vamp-sped through the trees until he saw a familiar face.

"Where the hell did you come from?"

Ric gasped and tried to sit up. "I was... I can't remember."

Damon yanked him up and clutched him close. "You smell like cigarette smoke. Did you go see the caterpillar?"

"You smell like fish, did you go swimming?"

"No." Damon blushed. "Coulda used a snorkel though. Where's Alice? We need to find this narrator person so we can go home."

"Narrator..." Ric mumbled, scratching his head. "Tab A?"

"You feeling alright buddy? You don't have a temperature."

A brown paper package dropped from the heavens and smacked Damon on the head. "Fuck, what the hell was that?"

Ric snatched it and tore the paper off. "Um..."

"What is it?"

"Cherry lube. Slot B? Columbo?"

Damon shook his fist at the sky. "Damn narrator! Where the hell are you? We want to go home! Hello? Hel--" A whooshing sensation made him shut his eyes. He reached out for Ric but his friend was gone. "What the actual fuck?"

"Damon," a British voice said in silky tones. "We meet at last. How lovely to see you in the flesh."

"W-Who are you?"

She chuckled. "You sound like an owl. I've got some suggestions for the end of the story. Would you like to read them?"

"You're the narrator?"

"No shit Sherlock. Who'd you think I was, the Easter Bunny?"

"The way Alice and the others talked about you I was expecting some kinda--"

"Raving lunatic with a warty nose, maniacal laugh and no teeth?"

"Yeah but you're quite pretty actually."

"Thank you so much for that backhanded compliment. The stories are behind you."

"Why's there a photo of Bob Marley on the printer?"

"It jams."

"Clever." He skimmed the first few pages of black type. "So what kind of devilish thoughts did you have?"

"Can't you read the small print? For one, they're X-Rated. You and I have the same agenda."

"We do?"

"We both want Ric spread out naked on your bed and we both want you to pop his cherry."

Understanding dawned. "Oh... You had him here?"

The narrator smirked. "I didn't  _have_  him. He's not mine to have. He's yours."

"Is that why you dropped cherry lube on my head? A nod to him losing his virginity?"

"Of course. How else would I hammer it through your thick skull?"

He snorted. "Making love to Ric isn't exactly a hardship."

"I love you way you just said making love and not fucking."

"I'm a gentleman," he said smirking. 

"Of course, I wouldn't be the diabolical narrator I am if I made it that easy."

"Gotcha. What do you have in mind?" Damon picked up the bobble-headed vampire on the desk and frowned. "We don't look like that..."

"I shouldn't think so, that's Count Duckula."

He laughed. "How about this? I pop Ric's cherry and make him scream then we get to go home to Mystic Falls, deal?"

"I make the deals around here. Besides, we love Ric... We don't want him screaming in pain. Orgasmic screaming is okay. We don't want another rendition of 'Wham, Bam, thank you Mister'... do we? I think you should wine and dine him, make him feel special... What do you think about that?"

"In case it's escaped your attention, we're in Wonderland. Do they even have a liquor shop here or do I have to brew my own mead?"

The narrator reached inside her desk drawer. "That's where I come in. I have a pristine bottle of Jim Beam with your name on it. It's all yours as long as you make our boy feel special and loved. What do you say?"

"I say, give it here and I'll do anything you want..."

"Cheap at half the price aren't you Damon?"

He quirked an eyebrow. "What the hell does that mean?"

"Oh and since we don't want you popping your cork before Ric's ready, Alice is going to give you a blow job." The narrator tipped her handbag on the desk and took out a flip phone. "Alice? Hey! It's the narrator here. I have a project for you... Yeah, it's all happening tonight! Wining and dining, he promised. I need you to give Damon a special treat... Oh? Right, well that's a pity... I'll see what I can do. Bye Alice, say hi to the rabbit for me. Uh-huh, bye."

"What the hell was that all about?"

"Alice is too busy to help you out."

"Great... Now what?"

"I'm sure the Hatter wouldn't mind..."

He waggled his eyebrows and smirked. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

Damon grinned and brushed a hand over the front of his pants. "I'm sure you can think of something..."

"That's bloody charming! I'm the narrator!"

"You're so... British... Talk about uptight!"

"Fine. Drop your pants and I'll pretend you're Ric."

"Jesus! Another one? He's got his own fan club here!"

"He's gorgeous, sweet and charming... Nothing like you Damon Salvatore. You have all the charm of a retarded piranha."

"I'm pretty hot too, I bedded Katherine."

"That's hardly something to be proud of. Fine. Get over here then and I'll see what I can do."

Damon's pants dropped to the ground in a perfect figure eight. He eased himself out of his boxers and waggled his cock around. "Look what I found!"

"Jesus Christ on a crutch... I get what Ric was going on about now..."

"What?"

"It's not exactly a six-incher, it's more like a foot long."

"It's a cock not Subway... What were you expecting?"

The narrator's mouth hung open for so long Damon worried that she might need rebooting. He'd give it another ten seconds and just jam his dick in there. Ten... nine... eight...

"Gah..."

"I know pretty impressive right?"

"On second thoughts, I'll just give you a wank," she said, patting her lap for Damon to sit down.

He furrowed his brow and pouted. "I can do that myself, plus I have vampire speed on my side. I thought you were giving me a blow job?"

"Take out a rib and you can do that yourself too. I can always put it in this jumbo pencil sharpener instead..."

"You're evil. Alice and the others were right."

"Sorry, not sorry. I'll send you back to Ric then. Get him to give you a blow job while you're cooking dinner. Two birds, one stone. Also, I got this as a joke gift but it might benefit Ric more than me."

"What is it?"

"Let's just say it makes things go numb..."

Damon snatched the small tube from the narrator's hand and laughed. "Isn't this a lip gloss? Was this supposed to shut you up?"

"Impossible. Anyway, off you pop."

"Wait, so just to clarify, I pop Ric's cherry and then we get to go home?"

The narrator rocked her hand from side to side. "Ish."

"I don't trust you. What does that mean?"

"You have to make him come as well as popping his cherry."

"That's easy. I made him come twice already..."

"Pride comes before a fall Damon..."

"Whatever. Okay, send me back and I'll make him a nice meal before I fuck him up the ass."

"I have no idea how you're still single..."

"What?"

"So bloody romantic aren't you? Bugger off before I turn you into a spider and step on you."

Face screwed up in anger, he zipped his jeans and muttered, "Bitch."

A bolt of lightning zapped his ass and he shrieked. The narrator smiled. "I'll pretend you had a touch of Tourette’s there Damon. Either that or a speech impediment. Give my love to Ric and don't forget the bourbon..." 

Damon managed to grab the bottle before it smacked him in the face. "Gee, thanks."

He disappeared in a puff of green smoke and the narrator sighed and lit a cigarette. So much for giving up.

 


	8. Chapter 8

The forest was darker now than it had ever been. Even the birds were silent. The cold evening breeze whipped through the stiff grass, hurting his bare feet. 

Where the hell was Damon? One minute he was there and the next Ric was all alone. Fear hit him like a ten tonne truck. Had the narrator blown him up? He couldn't see any ash. He cupped his hands around his mouth. "Damon! Where are you?"

"I'm here, I'm here. Keep your pants on," Damon grumped appearing in a puff of blue smoke. "Actually... on second thoughts..."

"Are you okay? Where'd you go? Why'd you have scorch marks on your jeans?"

"The narrator is a stone cold B-I-T-C-H!"

A flashing neon sign fell from the sky.  _I can spell dumbass!_

"Damon," Ric breathed in horror. "What did you  _do_?"

"Nothing. It's not my fault she's a vindictive little bi--"

Ric clapped his hand over Damon's mouth. "Shut up! I don't want you bursting into flames. Remember Bobby Green?"

"Fine! I'm sorry!" Damon shouted at the inky night sky. "I apologise!"

The sign flashed again.  _Apology accepted. Now be a good boy and do what I told you..._

"What does that mean? What does she want you to do?"

"Make sweet, sweet love to you, that's what she wants."

Ric's heart pitter-pattered in his chest and his nipples hardened. "Oh."

"Something about popping your cherry... It's the only way she'll let us leave. She gave me this..."

Ric took the offered tube. "May cause numbness... What's this for?"

"Think about it sweetie pie..." Damon waggled his eyebrows. "We need somewhere private. I doubt you want everyone to see what I plan to do to you."

"That sounds romantic..." Ric rolled his eyes. 

"That's what she said."

The sign flashed a third time.  _You're an idiot Damon Salvatore._

"I, uh, I want to cook you dinner. It'll be like a date night. And look, she gave me a bottle of Jim Beam."

"Remember that time you made meatloaf? Does food poisoning count as a magical death?" he said, twisting his resurrection ring on his finger. 

"The narrator thinks you're gorgeous, there's no way she'd let you die."

"What about some privacy? If you've got an in with the narrator, maybe she's got somewhere nice in mind?"

"Like a huge castle surrounded by a shark infested moat? That kind of thing?"

Ric's jaw dropped and he pointed behind Damon's head. "That's it! That's the place!"

Damon spun in a circle. "A gingerbread house? Knowing our luck there's a wicked witch in there who wants to shove you into her oven." 

"Why me? Maybe she wants to throw you in there..."

"Because you're the cute one Mr Saltzman. It's been hours since I've seen you naked... Let's see what the inside looks like. You might even escape my cooking; we can just eat the house." 

Ric broke off a piece of the windowsill and smiled. "Yum! It is gingerbread!"

Damon opened the front door and breathed in the sickly sweet scent of the house. "Not too shabby..." He walked back outside and kissed the back of Ric's neck making him shiver. "It's got a shower built for two and a king-size bed, come inside with me."

Ric followed him in and rifled through the cupboards. "We could make Italian food, what's more romantic than that? I wish we had some wine though, I don't think bourbon would complement it..."

Damon pressed him against the fridge. "Why don't we skip the food and go straight to the sex part of the evening?"

Next to the bed, a fluffy pink phone rang. "I'll get it," Ric said. "Hello?"

"Hello sweet boy, put Damon on please," a familiar British voice said. 

The voice did squishy things to his insides. "It's for you."

"What?" Damon barked. "Who is this?"

"What did I say about treating him nicely? He's not a fuck toy Damon. Don't make me come down there and show you how it's done."

"Jesus! I only suggested skipping the food...!"

"It's part of the wining and dining experience. Also, gingerbread and bourbon doesn't cut the mustard. There's red wine in the cupboard, make him a romantic dinner. I'll be watching you..."

Damon smashed the handset back on the cradle. "Damn narrator!"

"What did she say?"

All his romantic notions went sailing out the window. He loved Ric, of course he did but he didn't want to follow orders like a robot. The narrator was fucking him off big time. He put a pot of water on to boil and grabbed a pack of dried pasta. 

Ric opened the fridge and silently handed him a tray of fresh beef mince. "What are you gonna make?"

Damon glared, unzipped his jeans and pushed them down his thighs. "Suck my cock. Come on Ric, you've been dying to do this all day."

Ric glowered. He didn't appreciate the way Damon was treating him. It wasn't like his friend at all. What happened to the loving Damon from this morning? "I don't want to."

Damon forced him to his knees and shoved his cock in Ric's shocked mouth. "Yes you do." This was all a means to an end, the only way to get home. He'd make it up to him later. "Has anyone ever told you have cocksucker lips?"

Ric coughed and his eyes filled with tears. This wasn't what he wanted; he wanted tenderness and love, not this sick parody. He tried to breathe through his nose but then Damon's cock hit the back of his throat. It hurt. 

The narrator glared into her crystal ball. A forced blowjob? That was the final straw. That little cretin! She snapped her fingers and materialised next to Damon in the kitchen. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Her slap echoed around the tiny house. "Let him go, this instant!"

"Or what?" Damon said lazily. "You said it yourself, we both want this."

Her eyes grew dark, almost black in the light. "You're a fucking rat Damon Salvatore." Purple smoke flew out of her fingertips and enveloped him. She turned to Ric, still on his knees and crying silent tears. "Come here sweetheart. Let's get out of here."

He got up on trembling knees and waved his arms in the smoke. "Where did he go?" Bobby Green flashed into his mind. "Did you blow him up?"

"He's fine darling; he's just having a little change of perspective. We'll give him a few hours to come to his senses. You hungry?"

Her soft lilting voice calmed his frantic heart. She helped him up and wiped the wetness off his cheeks. "W-Where are we going?"

"A fantastic little restaurant I know. Come on sweet boy, you're safe I promise." She smiled and took his hand. "You must be starving."

Ric's stomach rumbled. "I could eat." His voice was croaky and his throat felt scratchy and sore. How could Damon do that to him? So much for love.

The narrator's bony hand felt as fragile as a baby bird in his but he knew she had formidable power. "What happened to Damon? Are you sure he's okay?"

"Considering what he just did to you, you're incredibly forgiving. I don't think I would be."

He swallowed hard. "I bet you think that makes me weak huh?"

"On the contrary, I think it makes you a far stronger person than most people give you credit for. Look Ric, I think Damon's a bad influence on you. He's a narcissist who's out for the main chance. You deserve someone loving, someone who puts you first."

"I had that once, with Jenna." He sniffed hard and gazed into space. "Damon isn't as bad as people think. He's a good person, deep down."

She nodded. "Hold my hand darling, we're going for a little spin." She snapped her fingers and the kitchen vanished, replaced by a vortex of swirling colours. 

"Wow, you weren't kidding about the spinning." He fell over his own feet and thumped down on a light wooden chair. "Where are we?"

"A little bistro somewhere in Venice. I thought you'd appreciate authentic Italian fare."

A waiter with doe eyes and a handlebar moustache slapped two menus on the gingham tablecloth. "What would you like to drink?"

"Merlot for me please," the narrator said. "He'll have a Budweiser thanks."

Ric stared at her in amazement. "How'd you know that's what I wanted?"

She grinned. "Relaxed and on your own, your first choice is always beer. It's only with Damon that you drink bourbon."

Ric played with his fork and frowned. "Why'd you care so much what happens to me? Why is my story so important?"

The narrator hesitated. She was treading on thin ice. One false word, one wrong move... "We're kindred. I can't talk about it right now but suffice to say, you're special. I knew it from the first moment I laid eyes on you."

"How come you're so sweet to me but not Damon?"

"Love begets love darling. When times get tough I want you to remember that."

"But what does that mean? It almost sounds like--"

"I love you?"

She nodded. "I do. More than you know."

"Oh. I don't even know your name. I can't keep calling you the narrator, it sounds so impersonal."

"It's my name in the here and now. One day sweetheart I'll tell you the truth. I promise."

His hand hovered over hers and he gulped down a flood of emotion. "So what now?"

"You're right. We'll have a nice dinner and then I'll change Damon back into his annoying vampire self. And I'll change the end of the story. You and I will meet again, that I swear."

"Change him back? What is he now?"

"A rat of course."

"Jesus! When you called him that... I didn't realise!"

"I think we'll have an entree, dinner and dessert. Let him stew in his own juices for a little while longer. I enjoy your company."

The waiter appeared with their drinks and clicked his heels together. "What would you like to eat?"

"Ooh, lovely. I'll have the ricotta and spinach tortellini, what would you like Ric?"

"That sounds good, I'll get the same." He didn't want to tell the narrator he couldn't read the menu. It wasn't his fault he couldn't understand Italian. It was mean but Ric couldn't help laughing at Damon's predicament. He only had himself to blame. "Damon's gonna go crazy when you change him back..."

"I think he understands now that he can't play me for a fool. I'm going to take you both home. I don't think you want Damon to--"

"Pop my cherry? No, I don't think so. I mean, I still love him but..." he broke off and shrugged. 

"My grandmother used to say you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Do you understand what that means?"

"Damon's a bastard and he has to earn my respect and love?"

"Well said darling. That's not the literal translation you understand, but it'll do for now." The narrator smiled as the waiter brought out steaming plates of food and sighed. "Eat lots of garlic Ric..."

He burst out laughing and speared a piece of pasta with his fork. "That's mean and it doesn't work you know..."

"Not in the traditional sense but the smell is off putting, so I'm told."

He liked her; she was funny and sweet and for some reason, familiar. Okay, he'd met her more than once but he had the feeling that he  _knew_  her. What did she mean when she said he was special? He didn't feel special, and he certainly didn't have any luck with love. Jenna had died and Damon... Well, look how that had turned out...

"Okay, I suppose we can't put it off any longer. We better go save Damon from the Cheshire Cat."

Ric paled and jumped from the chair. "Shit! I forgot about the cat! Some best friend..."

"Sorry darling, I was only joking. The cat goes to sleep early, Damon's perfectly safe, I assure you. Hold my hand and we'll go."

The whirling vortex sprang up at the snap of the narrator's fingers and Ric tried not to puke. His tortellini was making a comeback. He landed with a thump outside the gingerbread cottage and ran inside. "Damon! Where are you?"

"I haven't changed him back yet. Stand behind me in case he gets feisty."

"He wouldn't hurt me," Ric said stoutly.

She arched an eyebrow and frowned. "Wouldn't he?" She raised her hands in front of her and chanted a few Latin words. If it was up to her, she'd leave him as a rat forever but Ric needed him. Damon was important to his story.

Another puff of smoke and Damon appeared in front of her. Sharp claws morphing back into smooth hands. Rattish features turning pretty again. 

"You bitch!" he shouted, eyes turning red with rage. "I'll kill you!"

She slapped him on the head. "That's quite enough of that bollocks, thanks very much. Sleep."

He slumped to the floor and she turned back to Ric. "Listen, and listen well. When the time is right, I'll come for you but you won't remember Wonderland. Damon won't remember he hurt you, your friendship will survive. You'll feel a bit out of sorts for a while, I'm sorry about that." She stared into his glazed blue eyes and pressed her lips to his forehead. "Sleep darling."

She transported both boys back to Damon's car, parked at the edge of the forest. She wiped their memories of Wonderland, of her, of everything. Ric would understand one day, but that day was not today. 

Damon opened his eyes and frowned. "How did we get here? Do you smell cigarette smoke?"

Ric shook his head to clear the fogginess and sniffed. "No... But I can smell fish..."

A bobbing flashlight came towards them. "You guys are so late! You better have a good excuse! Where the hell have you been?" Caroline shouted. "So irresponsible! Please tell me you bought the cranberries?"

"Uh..." 

The End (for now)


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